Prose – How to Fall in Love with a Stranger

I have not written creatively and successfully in so long. Needless to say, I am incredibly proud of what I have written.

DISCLAIMER: This is not true. The events are purely fiction. I would also like to add that it’s pretty long. So… just saying.

I sincerely hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for spending a little bit of your day, or night, with me.



How to Fall in Love with a Stranger

Day 1

He looked like somebody who you would meet in a used bookstore. Or, more like someone who the main character of a teen rom-com movie would meet in a used bookstore… he was too good looking to meet in real life. But I didn’t meet him in a bookstore. I met him at school in the hallway. Except I didn’t meet him.

Having not met him, I still felt like I knew him after one shared glance in the hallway. The first time I saw him, jazz music played in my head and I imagined what a life with him would entail. I imagined coffee breath kisses in the morning while we listened to the news playing in the background while getting dressed for work that day. I imagined ramen noodle nights on a big, fluffy couch while watching a few hours’ worth of bad reality television. I imagined bathing our dog together in the bathtub of our small first home (we would have a golden doodle). But once our paths had crossed, the moment was gone and my future was back to being as uncertain as life was before.

I could not get him out of my head for the rest of the day.


Day 2

Our glance in the hallway was longer today. Or maybe it just felt longer. I didn’t imagine a life with him again, at least I tried not to. He has green eyes, maybe hazel. The color is hard to tell from a distance and behind his Clark Kent-esque glasses. I will update when I learn more. I still can’t stop thinking about him.


Day 3

I was sitting at a table in the lounge in between classes and he sat next to me. We didn’t speak. I don’t know his name, but I think his favorite color is blue. His headphones, his phone case, and his backpack are all blue. Different shades, of course. He’s not a “matchy-matchy” kind of guy. At least, I don’t think he is.

Also, his eyes are definitely green.


Day 4

We met again at our table from yesterday. Today, I joined him at the table instead of him joining me. I thought of maybe saying “hello” but something inside of me convinced myself not to. I ended up regretting that later on. He studied his textbook so attentively. I can never study like that, I get distracted too easily.

He doesn’t seem like the type of person to speak to someone first. To make matters worse, I am not that type of person either. He left the table before I did and headed to his next class. I left a few minutes after.

I found myself talking to God about him, before catching myself and then feeling silly about it. I do not even know his name, yet somehow I feel as if I am supposed to know him. This is the kind of problem I talked to God about. Why have I become borderline obsessed with someone I know nothing about?

I also found that having a crush is the closest thing to torture that someone can inflict on themselves. Anything reminds me of him, especially jazz.


Days 5, 6, and 7

The weekend was my hope for escape. My plan was to pop myself with a rubber band that I would keep around my wrist every time I caught myself thinking about him. After a few hours I thought my hand would fall clean off my wrist. Needless to say, my plan was foiled quickly.

As if the rubber band dilemma wasn’t enough, I also saw him shopping at Target on Friday. He was buying shampoo, but I was able to flee the scene before he saw me. I ended up regretting not saying “hi” at that moment. I wasn’t shopping for anything specific, not unlike most Target runs I go on, so I left the store to avoid running into him again. I ended up regretting this, too.

The rest of my weekend was filled with family outings, all the while imagining what it would be like if he was there with us. I have got to stop.


Day 8

If I had to die at eighteen, I would like my cause of death to be this green eyed boy.


Day 9

This is how my brain feels: dkfajnfrincelkcmlad caildedoidmdjn cdcndlmfjfweln

akjenflflkemdoiwdjeidcmk cmjfnurnfekmfkmclm ckdoiejem  kl f;ao.

Do you know what I mean?


Day 10

I think I learned his name. I won’t say it out loud or even allow myself to think it. I am afraid that if I know his name, this becomes real. And real things, for me, do not work out. Another boy, I’m assuming someone he knows, walked up to our table today, looked at me, then looked at him and said “Hey, *insert name that I won’t allow myself to think here*, did you do the homework for English?” In response, *insert name that I won’t allow myself to think here* said “Yeah. It wasn’t too hard either, if you use your textbook.” His friend (I use this term loosely) nodded, said something along the lines of “Oh okay, thanks man,” and walked away. Today was the first time I heard his voice. I want this to be the voice I wake up to and go to sleep to for the rest of my life.


Day 11

Today was my last chance to build up enough courage to finally speak to him before another long and agony-filled weekend. (The word “agony” is, of course, used for dramatic emphasis. You must remember, you are reading the thoughts of a teenage girl.) I walked into the room that our table calls home and he was not there. I sat down, played on my phone, picked at my split ends, tried to study for my test next week, all to no avail. He never showed up. I suddenly felt incredibly silly for feeling like I was stood-up in some way. I am over-reacting. Someone please give me a chill pill.


Days 12, 13, and 14

My weekend was average. No notes to add.


Day 15

Somehow, on this day, I convinced myself to skip all three classes. No updates on *insert name that I won’t allow myself to think here*. Regularly scheduled programming will resume on Tuesday, or whenever I feel like going to class next.


Day 16

Oh, what a day this one was. I hope you brought your popcorn because this one is a good one.

I walked into the lounge, and my hopes were not as high anymore. I began to feel more at-ease, less pressure to finally say something to this boy. I sat down at our table, and after a few minutes, he joined me. I looked up to greet him in our funny way of acting like the other doesn’t exist. This time, however, he smiled and said “Good morning”. I smile back and say “Hi”, but because it was the first word I said today, the word came out froggy and unclear. I clear my throat (very attractively, I’m sure… can you sense the sarcasm?) and I repeat myself. “Hi” I say again. At this point, I felt incredibly embarrassed, I pretended to study for a few minutes longer, and then I retreated to the bathroom until my next class. If there were a gold star to receive for speaking to strangers, I would not be a recipient, I can assure you.


Day 17

I did not go to the table today. I sat in my car until my class started, after a while I began to feel a little melodramatic about the whole situation. I decided that tomorrow I would talk to him. Let’s see how that goes, though.


Day 18

Okay, so I really did have big plans for today, I did. But… I chickened out. I didn’t say anything and neither did he. We are back to our regular “pretend like the other doesn’t exist” routine. Somehow, I find comfort in this. That’s a lie. I have been more nervous these past eighteen days than I have been in my entire eighteen years combined.


Days 19, 20, and 21

Surprise! My weekend was not noteworthy. Moving on.


Day 22

Today, I somehow mustered up enough confidence to smile at him before he sat down at our table. He, again, said “Good morning” and I actually said “Hi!” back and in a completely normal way. He said “Fancy seeing you here” and I didn’t catch his sarcasm at first because I was so caught up in the fact that we were actually acknowledging that the other existed. I lightly laughed once I caught the joke, followed by a “yeah”. Next time I see a shooting star, I’m wishing to be a better conversation starter.


Day 23

This morning, I actually said “Good morning” to him first. He quickly responded with “I feel like if we’re going to have a really quiet before-class meeting every morning, I should know your name.” I told him my name. He said “Well hello, my name is *insert name that I won’t allow myself to think here*”, except he didn’t actually say all of that, he actually told me his real name. It’s a nice name. Too bad I won’t allow myself to think it.


Day 24

Wednesdays are just hard in general. It was harder because I slept in and missed my first class, i.e. missed our “really quiet before-class meeting” too. I missed him in general, as well.


Day 25

This morning, I walked into the lounge and he was already sitting at our table with two coffees. As I approached the table, he said “Hey, I got you this coffee. I’d like to talk to you in less of an obligatorily polite way today, if that’s okay with you.” I nodded and sat down. I took a teeny tiny sip of the coffee he handed me. This felt a lot more like a dream than real life. In real life, this doesn’t happen to me. I remind myself that we have spent quite a few mornings at this table and that if he wasn’t, in some way, interested in me, he would have sat at one of the other twenty tables in the lounge. He looked at me while taking a long sip of his coffee before saying, “I don’t even like coffee. I just see you with it sometimes, so I thought it would be a nice gesture.” That made me want to laugh, but I held it in. I smiled a little and then said “And I suppose bringing one for yourself made it look like you didn’t just try and drug me by just bringing me a coffee for no particular reason other than to “talk to me”.” This made him laugh. He had such a nice laugh. The kind of laugh that I would want to hear as much as possible. The kind of laugh that made we want to make him laugh again. He responded with, “So you see my dilemma.” I liked his choice of vocabulary, he sounded like an adult. I also liked how he phrased his sentences.

I liked so many things about him. I could go on for a mile.


Days 26, 27, and 28

Why do I even include weekends anymore? Again, uneventful.


Day 29

I already was having trouble believing that this was actually happening to me. I am not the kind of girl that boys want to talk to first. I don’t know what kind of girl I am, but I am certain that I am not that kind. At least, I didn’t think I was. Today, he met me at our table and said my name. I looked up from my phone, and he had a coffee with my name written on it and a Dr. Pepper bottle, for him, I assumed. He sat down, faced me, and quickly said “I found myself missing your company over the weekend. It seems I have fallen in love with a complete stranger. Are you busy after class today?”

Was this really happening? To me? This was exactly the kind of things that I dreamt of happening. I had no idea that this stuff really happened to people. I told him no, that I was not busy. He invited me to accompany him to a trip to Sonic for lunch and to walk around Target with him. I said “That sounds great. Not far from what I usually do after school anyway. I suppose it would be nice to have someone with me.” He laughed and said that he would meet me back at our table at 12:15. I could not wait.

Day 30

More to come.

Prose – How to Fall in Love with a Stranger

Chatty Post???

Today, I have no main topic. No beautiful message you will receive upon reading this. No, today I just have a heavy heart and a lot of things to say. I have no idea what this post will end up being about, but I’m going with it. You know those days when your brain is just overflowing with thoughts and you just need to let it out? Well I thought I might as well make this into a blog post. Well, if I even end up posting this. This is more or less just for me to be able to organize my thoughts. However, usually when I need to just organize my thoughts, I speak out loud to God. Today, I’ve done that four times and somehow I still feel like I have no idea whats going on.

I believe that God gives you your greatest gifts when you least expect them. That sounds so cliche, but its true. He is with you at every moment, watching out for things that He knows that you need.

Today, while talking to God on my way to Target after school, I realized that God rescued me when I didn’t even ask Him to, when I didn’t even want Him to. I was given the amazing gift of God’s unconditional, eternal love and of His salvation without me even asking for His help. Some will say that I was saved, but I like the word “rescued” better. After realizing what an absolutely amazing gift I was given without even asking, I had a sudden realization, an “epiphany”, if you will. I thought “Who am I to ask for things from God, when He knows far better what I need?” My begging and whining to God will not speed up the plans that He has for me. Who am I to ask for things when I was given the most beautiful gift already, without even asking for it. This is proof that God gives to us when he knows we are ready and knows when we need it, whatever “it” may be.

I’ve been having an anxious feeling in my chest the past couple of days. I find that speaking out loud to God and listening to John Coltrane and Miles Davis are the only things that soothe me. I also find it increasingly harder for me to talk to God without crying. Today, I was 4 for 4. I am a weenie, but a weenie so in love with God.

I am so amazed that we have a Father who takes care of His children in all times. “I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned.” I know nothing compared to what He does. How can I fear when He knows EVERYTHING? He has had every single detail of my life planned out since before I was born. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 

I just read over this post and I noticed that it doesn’t really make much sense. I don’t even care that much though. I needed to write this down even if nobody reads this. Thank you for spending a little bit of your day, or night, with me. God bless

Chatty Post???

Makeup Products I Use

I am so excited to make this post!! I use a combination of high end and drug store products to create a pretty and affordable everyday makeup look!

I start off by moisturizing my face and I use my old trusty tub of Cetaphil moisturizer that seems to never run out. Really, I swear this jar is bottomless haha. This is available like everywhere. I get mine at either Target or Walmart. (Price – $10.93)Image result for cetaphil moisturizer

Next, I prime my skin with the L’Oreal Magic Lumi primer. This gives my dull, dry skin a subtle glow and I am obsessed with it. I used to think primer was a gimmick until I ran out of this primer and had to apply my makeup without it for a couple days. The difference is huge! If you have dry skin, I definitely recommend this primer!! (Price – $12.29)L'Oreal Paris Magic Lumi Primer


I do my eyebrows next, and I know this is like not normal but it makes sense in a second. I use the Anastasia Beverly Hills Dipbrow Pomade in the shade “Chocolate”. I actually have always used the shade “Dark Brown” but when I went to Ulta, they were completely out of my color, so I picked up “Chocolate” and it looked identical. The only difference I can notice is that “Chocolate” is a little tiny bit more red than “Dark Brown”, but it works fine. I swear by this product and I have been using it since I have been doing my makeup and I will never use anything else on my brows!! (Price – $18)Image result for abh dipbrow

After brows, I go in and carve my brows out with concealer. For this concealer, I use the NYX  Full Coverage Concealer Jar. I honestly probably use a different shade every time I run out, I just grab whichever one looks pretty light. I go in heavy with the concealer because it gets covered by foundation in the next step anyway. Carving your brows fixes any mistakes you made with your brows and cleans up any places where you may have gone out of line or drew on a little too thick. This also helps to conceal any little eyebrow hairs that start to grow back. This stuff works amazing and its super cheap! I recommend this to anyone looking for a cream concealer. (Price – $2.43)

Next I apply foundation. I use the Maybelline Better Skin foundation in the shade “Medium Beige”. I have used high end foundations that I loved, but it justgot way too expensive so I went on the hunt for a good drug store foundation and my best friend recommended this one. I absolutely love everything about this stuff. It blends easy, it has awesome coverage, it doesn’t oxidize, it looks very natural and beautiful, and it feels light weight. This is honestly everything I could have wished for in a foundation. I have a yellow undertone and this honestly matches me perfectly. I am obsessed! I definitely recommend for anyone who has dry skin. I like to apply with a foundation brush and then dab over with a damp beauty sponge to get the smoothest finish and to remove excess. (Price – $11.99)Image result for maybelline better skin

My next step is concealer, but I use a the Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Concealer instead of the NYX one. This one, I find, blends smoother and has a much more light weight feel than the NYX one. If I use the NYX concealer under my eyes, my makeup looks cakey and my concealer would have already creased after just a few hours. This concealer is awesome! I used to use the Too Faced Born This Way concealer, but when I ran out I tried this one because it is much cheaper, and I love it. I do not see myself purchasing a high end concealer in the future. I apply with the applicator (under my eyes, on my chin, forehead, and down the bridge of my nose) then I blend it out with a damp beauty sponge. (Price – $6.79)

Next, I bake using the Coty Airspun powder. I actually don’t use the translucent powder, but the shade “Naturally Neutral”, its still very light but it blends into my foundation better and I just like a little bit of color in my loose powder, but that’s just personal preference.  I apply the powder (a lot!!!) with a damp beauty sponge everywhere that I put the concealer and I leave the bake for a few minutes. I also dip my powder brush into the powder and apply a layer over the rest of my face that isn’t being baked. I find that a thin layer of the loose powder over my foundation allows for a much easier bronzer application. (Price – $7.99)Image result for coty airspun powder

I don’t use eyeshadow everyday, but when I do I use the Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renaissance palette. I leave my under eyes baking while I apply my eye makeup and I brush off the rest of my face loose powder. For a basic look, I use the shades “Warm Taupe” and “Raw Sienna” in my crease, then I go in with “Cyprus Umber” and a little bit of “Red Ochre” in the outer corner of my eyes and on the bottom lash line. For a little bit of extra oomph, I add “Primavera” in the inner corner to the middle of my eyelid. (Price – $42)

The next product I use is bronzer. Before I apply, I wipe off my bake and then go in with my bronzer. I have used the Too Faced Cocoa Contour palette as well as the Too Faced Dark Cocoa bronzer. My single bronzer cracked and I threw it away, and now I’ve hit pan on this palette, so I ordered the Benefit Hoola bronzer and I am so super excited to try it out and let y’all know how I like it! (Price – $42)Image result for too faced contour

After I apply my bronzer, I add some blush. I use Tarte’s Amazonian Clay blush in the shade “Risque”. This blush is a peachy/pinky blush and I love it so much. I have used this faithfully for a year and a half and I love it so much. This is the blush shade of my dreams and I cannot even imagine using a different blush.   (Price – $29)



Next, I use mascara. You may have noticed that I didn’t talk about eyeliner and that’s because I don’t wear any, haha. I have small, hooded eyes so when I wear eyeliner, it makes my eyes appear smaller and the eyeliner transfers to my eyelid and it just looks like a hot mess. I do love this mascara, though. It makes my lashes look amazing without clumping. The only thing that I don’t absolutely love about this product, however, is that it is very wet and takes a little while to dry. WARNING: Do not sneeze within a few minutes of applying. I speak from experience. (Price – $23)Image result for mascara better than sex

Next step is highlighter. I don’t like a crazy, dramatic glow, but rather a more subtle, soft, and natural one. I also really don’t like the look of a white highlighter. I tend to use gold or pink ones. My main go-to highlighters are the Laura Geller Baked Gelato Swirl Illuminator in the shade “Gilded Honey”. I love this shade because its almost the same as my skin, so it just adds a nice glow to my skin without being so dramatic. My next one is the e.l.f Baked Highlighter in the shade “Blush Gems”. This product has a pinkish glow and is very pretty on the skin. The only thing about that highlighter is that when you buy it, you have to scratch off the first layer with your fingernail to get a good result. (Prices – Laura Geller: $26, e.l.f.: $3.99)highlighters
My last and final (and favorite) step is lipstick!!!! I tend to reach for liquid lipsticks because of the application and matte finish. My go-to lipstick is the NYX Lip Lingerie in shade “Exotic”. It’s so hard to find nudes that look flattering on my skin tone and this one is so beautiful even though its not actually considered a “nude” in comparison to the other “nudes”. I do wear red lips a lot (like a lot, a lot) and whenever I do I always use the Too Faced Melted Matte liquid lipstick in the shade “Lady Balls”. The Too Faced formula is my absolute #1 favorite in the whole world ever. The only problem is that the shade range is very slim and the only shades from them that I can wear are “Lady Balls” and “Bend and Snap”. I also love Kylie Cosmetics liquid lips, but I tend not to order much from them because I hate ordering makeup and I would much rather buy in store than online. (Prices – NYX: $7, Too Faced: $21)Image result for nyx lip lingerie exoticImage result for too faced lady balls




Total for full face: $239.42

I love makeup and I love talking about beauty so if you have any questions about any products mentioned, please feel free to comment or tweet or dm me about them! I’m also always up for new suggestions so please leave me some recommendations!! Thank you so much for spending a little bit of your day, or night, with me.


Makeup Products I Use

Dear Mama

The loveliest masterpiece of the heart of God is the heart of a mother.
St. Therese of Lisieux

You are the first person I ever met. You will forever be my first best friend. You were probably the first person I ever loved as well, and that is because you loved me first. I am so blessed to have you by my side throughout my life. You inspired my love of reality television, animals, home decor, and Jesus. You dressed me for school and taught me about fashion. You painted my nails, brushed my hair, and played Barbies with me. You brought me to dance, brought me to school, and all the way you have brought me to become the young woman that I am today.

From the beginning, you instilled important values into me. You taught me to be kind to everyone. Then, when my feelings got hurt, you taught me that not everyone has the same heart as me. You wiped my tears and showed me how to get right back up when life knocks you down. You have been my biggest supporter and I am so thankful for your never ending support and encouragement in any venture I chose to take part in over the years. You have allowed me to be independent and make my own choices with your guidance and you have never let me go astray.

I am lucky to have you as a mother. You are strong, hard-working, kind, smart, and beautiful inside and out. You have taught me to always be generous, headstrong, creative, and to always be my true, authentic self. Days with you are days of endless fun and laughter. You make any situation brighter just by being yourself. You have taught me how to be a friend, just by being a friend to me. I will forever cherish eating onion rings from Sonic with you before dance, watching Big Brother religiously, and the week one summer in which you and I rented and watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back. Thank you for always listening to me when I have so much on my mind. Thank you for calming me down when I get overwhelmed. Thank you for being my own personal cheerleader when I am in desperate need of some encouragement.

Mama – “You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known – and even that is an understatement.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

I love you so so so much, Mama. I love who I am today, and I am who I am because of you.


You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13

For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Ruth 1:16-17

Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her. Proverbs 31:2


Dear Mama

Why I Don’t Fear Missing Out

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown

I’m sure we have all had that feeling of “Did I miss my chance?” I used to fear that my being shy would force me to miss out on something, opportunities, friendships, and mostly: relationships. After growing closer to God and learning more about His word, I do not fear missing out on anything.

I heard the phrase “The One That Got Away” for the first time when I was in middle school. For a few years I feared that I would one day have my own “one that got away”. I do not fear that at all anymore. I know now that God doesn’t allow the real “one” that He has always had planned for you get away. No, the one God has for you may exit your life and then come back, but if the person you believe to be “the one” makes a permanent exit from your life, they are not “the one” made for you by God. While this may seem hard to hear, I can assure you that if you think this person was perfect for you, the actual “one” is better for you than you could ever have dreamed of.

Likewise, in anything, there is no reason to fear missing out on something. God knows your plan and He is watching carefully while keeping you right on track. Everything is going exactly as He is wanting it to. If you feel like you missed out on an opportunity, find peace in knowing that it was simply not in God’s plan for you.

In short, I do not believe in the phrase, “the one that got away”. There is no such thing. God will not allow this to happen. His plan is perfect and so is His timing. Be patient. There is a reason for everything.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9


Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Genesis 2:18

Seek and read from the book of the Lord: Not one of these shall be missing; none shall be without her mate. For the mouth of the Lord has commanded, and his Spirit has gathered them. Isaiah 34:16


Why I Don’t Fear Missing Out

My “Finding Faith” Story

“May I never forget on my best day, that I still need God as desperately as I did on my worst day.” – Unknown

Now, on the polls on twitter, this topic never won. But this topic is so heavy on my heart that I feel like I am being called to write this. I don’t know how to start this. This will be difficult to write on and hard to form into words but this a story that I feel like everyone needs to read. I worked on this on and off for a week because some of this was just too heavy. This is a story about God’s healing.

God has not always been the center of my life or the obsession of my heart. My family didn’t go to church regularly while I was growing up and I learned about God in the basic sense, no more, no less. As a child, I remember wanting to go to church every Sunday, 51qavk6qenlwanting to learn more and more about God and when I was in fourth grade, I checked out the Beginner’s Bible from the school library. Ya know, the exact one pictured… I’m sure most of you have seen it somewhere before or even read it. My mom was super proud of me for wanting to learn about God and I was proud of myself for finishing such a big book and enjoying it. I don’t know what happened after that, but I just never was totally on fire for God, and looking back, I guess it’s because no one else around me was either. That, and that I didn’t think I really needed Him then either.

Middle school came around and at sometime in eighth grade, I became depressed. Not just like, “Oh what a crappy day”, but like really depressed. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was always a happy kid and then all of a sudden, I had no interest in anything anymore. All I wanted was to be alone in my room and listen to sad music, which, I know, sounds super melodramatic and emo but I was like thirteen… so give me a break. But even more significant, the way I was feeling caused me to lose faith in God. I didn’t believe in God anymore because I didn’t understand why He would allow His children to feel this kind of pain. I know now that going through that was exactly what I needed.

These feelings continued to high school and time only made it worse. I began cutting myself with anything sharp and the anxiety in my heart was only rising. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t do anything about it. I remember laying in my bed thinking “There has got to be a better life out there. There is no way that this is what my life is supposed to be.” I began fantasizing about death. I honestly thought that killing myself would fix me. At this point, I think my parents knew there was something wrong with me but I don’t think they knew how bad off I was. One day, during my freshman year, I accidentally left my phone in my mom’s car when she dropped me off at school. (I know now that God intended me to leave my phone that morning.) Now, because I had been acting so different, my mom, who never had snooped around my phone or my room, looked at my texts on my phone and saw some messages I had sent to some friends talking about the way I was feeling. She picked me up from school that day, which was unusual because I always rode the bus, and she told me what she had found and my heart dropped. She brought me home and hugged me and we cried together and talked about getting help. My dad was working nights that night, and at 4:30 am when he got home, he woke me up. Now, my dad is the manliest man I know. He’s 6’3, muscular, tough, and I had only ever seen him cry a few tears at a funeral before in my life. On this day, my father hugged me as tight as he could and completely broke down. He told me how much he loved me and how sad all of this made him. I cannot even think about this memory without crying, five years later. We went and sat in his truck and he played this spoken word poem with a piano song in the background that he had found. (I included the link because I know how important this was to hear when I needed it most) And to this day, anytime I hear “A River Flows In You” played on a piano, I hold back the tears because it still makes me think of this moment with my dad.

At this point, my parents took me to a psychiatrist in Houston, 2 hours away from home, and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety. I was put on medicine and recommended to see a therapist once a week. We went through a few therapists and found one that worked for me, and I seemed to be getting better with the combination of medication and therapy. Soon enough though, I began cutting again. My parents were heart broken and my mom brought me to a behavioral hospital for an evaluation. Going here, I realized that I was not better. We were there for what felt like forever and they told me that they thought it was best that they admit me. Which would mean that I would live there, in the hospital, as a psychiatric patient. I didn’t feel comfortable there, however, and my mom told the nurses and doctors that she would bring me somewhere else. She talked to my psychiatrist and they recommended a place that was about 3 hours away from where we lived. I would have to live there as an outpatient though, which would mean my mom would have to quit her job and she and I would live in an apartment 3 hours away from any family and I would spend all of my days at this hospital, go to school there, go to therapy there, etc. and then at night go home to my mom. My parents decided against this however, because I do have two younger brothers that my mom would be leaving behind. At this point, they raised the dosage of my antidepressants and I guess I was okay. I would still cut myself on occasion, but it wasn’t nearly as often.

The next year or so regarding this topic is very blurry. I still took antidepressants, I still went to therapy, only once every two weeks then, but I still wasn’t 100% and I was still cutting and my self confidence was at an all time low. Also, keep in mind, I’m still unsure about God at this point. Somehow or another, somewhere around my junior year, I came across a bible verse on pinterest. I read that one, and read another and another and another. I cannot express the feeling that I felt that night. I honestly felt God’s presence for the very first time in my life and I was so overwhelmed. I cried and cried and read about God until I fell asleep. I told my mom about what I had read and she took our family to church that Sunday. That morning, I knew that that was what love was. I was so consumed listening to the preacher talk so passionately about God and His love for us. I knew that I wanted to go to church every Sunday, and we did. Eventually, I eased off of my antidepressants, slowly but surely. Today, I take no medications and I have not had any symptoms of depression since I fully let the Lord into my heart. (I would also like to mention that I will be four years self-harm free on April 14 of 2017!!!)

I am so in love with God because I have experienced, first hand, what He can do. He can take the broken and the hurting and transform them into something beautiful. I can say that without God in my life, I would not be here today. I haven’t told this story since it all happened, and now I see how obviously God was working through it all. This is not all of my story, this is only the most important parts and after writing all of this, I have learned so much. I hope you take something from this story. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, I hope you find comfort in this story and I hope that you pray tonight for a recovery. Our God is so forgiving, but you must ask for forgiveness and open your heart up to receive His forgiveness. My life today is so beautiful and I am so incredibly blessed and I thank God for giving me this life and for giving me to my wonderful parents and for allowing me to see all of these blessings. I am so beyond thankful to our awesome God for healing me when I didn’t even ask. “Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we cannot speak.” God knows exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. I have come out of a terrible and dark time in my life so much stronger, mentally and spiritually, and I know now that that dark cloud in my life was a blessing in disguise. Without that time, I would not have been this close to God. I would not have this relationship with my Heavenly Father like I have now. If I had to, I would go through all of that mess again, just for the closeness that I have to God.

I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. 2 Kings 20:5

I am the Lord that heals you. Exodus 15:26

Daughter, go in peace and be freed from your suffering. Mark 5:34

He heals the wounds of every shattered heart. Psalm 147:3

Please, if you’re still reading this, please remember to pray tonight. Thank God for all of your blessings and pray for the broken and the hurting, please pray that they will find peace soon. Thank you so much for spending a little bit of your night, or day, with me. God bless.

My “Finding Faith” Story

A Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Oh my goodness… I am so excited to marry you. I so look forward to spending as much time with you as I can, but I know that we will have an eternal life together in Heaven. I am so head-over-heels in love with you already and I don’t even know who you are. I hope you know that I am faithfully praying for you every day of my life. I pray that you are a God fearing man with a patient and kind soul and a heart set on things above. “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” Colossians 3:1

I know that God is preparing you for me in the same way He is preparing me for you and let me tell you, He is working some wonders on my heart and I cannot wait to fall in love with the man that He has made you. I cannot wait to be silly with you and sing our favorite songs as loud as we can in the car on the way to the grocery store. I cannot wait to study the bible with you and talk about God until its 2 am and both of our hearts are overflowing with love for our Heavenly Father. I look forward to worshiping with you and watching our faith grow. I look forward to the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the difficult times and the best of times, and I look forward to this because these will be times I will have spent with you.

I pray that you know that there is no relationship without a relationship with God first. I tris
pray that you know that the closer we are to God, the closer we are a couple. (I also hope you love this rough drawing I did on my computer to illustrate my thoughts… haha) I pray that our relationship brings the both of us closer to God. I know that because you are a man of God, that you will respect me. You will lead me closer to God and not try to control or pressure me. You will know that I was made for you by our Creator and that you will pray for me and pray with me.

I have no earthly idea when we will both be ready for this beautiful next chapter of each of our lives, but I have no doubts that God is preparing both of us for this love that neither of us would have ever expected. I love you, I love you, I love you. I am so excited for the day we are finally together, for that day will begin the rest of our lives. I want as much time with you as possible, but keep reminding myself not to rush God. His perfect timing will be soon enough. I’m always praying for you. I love you.


Your Future Wife


Seek your happiness in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire. Psalm 37:4


A Letter to My Future Husband